Amikolle

…where I have been for the past 2 weeks, here’s the story.

It all begins about 2.5 weeks ago, when I snuck out of my parent’s house (where I had been staying because of the second relapse I had), took a bus to Baltimore at 1 am, and relapsed for the third time.  I didn’t have any money,except the change I took from my father’s drawer for the bus, so when I got down there I fed off other’s “kindness” for a bit, then resorted to selling for a guy I knew from a long time ago.  Seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to hours, and suddenly it was 6 am and I knew I was in trouble.  My new cell phone started ringing, first with Badr, then my parents.  Of course I didn’t pick up.  I was feeling ashamed, guilty and very sad, because I knew I had once again disappointed my family and Badr, but that didn’t stop me from continuing to stay where I was, and do what I was doing.

What I didn’t know is that my cell phone, one of those kid phones with limited access to calls, included a GPS feature.

So my father and Badr were searching the streets for me all morning, and they knew pretty much where I was.  In fact, they came to the house in which I was mid-morning, and the girl that lived there told them I was not there, at my request.  They returned later, and after bribing the girl with $50, and being reasonably certain that I was in that particular house, Badr kicked the door in, and my father came up the stairs.  I had been hiding under a pile of filthy blankets and rugs in a corner of the bedroom, and my father started pulling them off from me, and just said that we were leaving.

I was crying, dirty, and still a little high when I came down the rickety steps, but Badr welcomed me with open arms.  We got into his car, and as we were driving to my parents’ house, he asked me what I wanted to do.

“I want to go to rehab.”

And go I did.  I spent 5 days in the psychiatric ward in Laurel Regional Hospital, where I got my meds all straightened out (a huge relief for me and everyone around me, because that was definitely a contributing factor to my relapses), and then went to Warwick Manor Behavioral Health, on the eastern Shore of MD.  I spent 7 days there, learning a variety of things about addiction as a disease, the scientific and medical aspects of what drugs and alcohol do to the brain, and how to keep my anxiety in check.  It was a wonderful experience, and I highly recommend anyone seeking treatment make that one of his or her options.  The staff and counselors were wonderful, the scenery is ideal, and the classes are packed with useful information.

Badr picked me up yesterday morning, and after a brief stop at my parents’ house, we spent the rest of the day together, and I even had a “moment”.  We were sitting in the car after returning from an NA meeting, and talking about our history as a couple, and it just ht me–how lucky I am to have Badr in my life, a man who respects me and loves me and treats me like a queen, how much I love him.  I cried like a baby, he wiped my tears, and I think we both felt uplifted.

I know I have a lot of hard work ahaead of me, but I feel ready and willing to move forward.  This is real, this feeling, and it is powerful.

I feel like I am always at the beginning of the journey, like I never get past the first few moments.

Starting over is excruciating for me.  It means I have to deal with the wreckage of whatever I have been doing, the guilt, the humiliation.  I feel like everyone walks on eggshells, afraid that they will “set me off” again.  People have little whispered conversations behind my back, and cast worried glances in my direction.

This time I am doing things differently.  It has become glaringly apparent that I cannot do this all by my lonesome, and therefore I have to look outside of myself for answers and suggestions.  The best way I know how to do this is with Narcotics Anonymous.  I got clean with NA, stayed clean by going to NA, and relapsed when I neglected NA.

Now all I have to do is get over myself enough to take suggestions and do the emotional and psychological work necessary for recovery.

Amikolle hates it when I do something on her things, without telling her, but today is a huge exception, since I have something to say.

Sometimes the worst of things happen right in front of our faces.

Last night (sunday night) Amikolle went to bed to take a nap.  She invited me over, but because of this week being so hectic, I was not sleepy.  I went to the computer room to fiddle on my mac and play some Age of Conan on her PC.  I remember going into our bedroom before playing, around 9pm, because I wanted to see if she was sound asleep or if she was awake, to catch a movie on dvd.  I played till 12 midnight, when i fell my sleep knocking my eyelids off.  After turning off the lights in the apartment,  I head to bed to cuddle with my sweetie, only to discover she was not there sleeping as I had let her 3 hrs ago.

Amikolle, had silently walked past the computer room, took my car keys, and sometime before that my check card.  Instinctively I grabbed the phone and called her cellphone, I was greeted by the voicemail…

I didnt notice the credit card was gone till after an hour had passed by.  She had promised me and sworn to me, she would not do this again and if she had the URGE, she would let me know.  Specially last night, when I was less than 10 feet from her.  I was wondering where she had gone to, when I decide to check my wallet, and discovered my checkcard was gone.

I have been calling her since midnight, sometimes the cellphone is apparently turned off, so I know she hears it ring.  Because she knows she is in a lot of trouble and because by that time she is either skyhigh or ashamed of what she did, she doesnt pick up the phone.

I have not slept all night.  I tried sleeping a bit from 3am to 4:30am.  Then around 5am I went to check the bank statement.  She made over 10 withdrawals.  The money allocated for this month’s rent is gone.  This troubles me, because I was holding the payment of my car to cover rent and then make two payments the 2nd week of june.

This time I didn’t call Philly, because last time he was of no help, and he stated clearly that he would stay at an arms length because he has his own family to take care, which include his wife and Bear, Amikolle’s son.  I have not called her parents because those two souls are devasted from her relapse last week, because they thought she was alright finally.  She had been 8 months without using, and according to her mother, the longest time she has been.

I have smoked around half a box of newport 100’s.  I had quit smoking a month ago, but this is so stressful I needed something to chill me.  So between smokes and coffee I have been going through the past 6hrs.

Its 7:43am and  still she doesnt pick up her phone.  Last tuesday when she used, she didn’t call till she had a seizure, and the call came in at around 11:30am.  At this point i am not mad, I am upset because of the money and the troubles that will cause, at this point I am extremely worried.  I don’t want her to get another seizure, or worse get the call that this night was her last night using cocaine.

We are about to celebrate our 4th month together.

I don’t know who will be reading this, if anyone crosses my path, pray for Amikolle to make it home safe.