Amikolle

So I celebrated 2 months clean last night.  I know what you’re thinking.  Two months?  That’s nothing.  The truth is, to me, it feels like a lifetime.  I’ve been going to meetings every day, calling my sponsor (almost) every day, and following suggestions given to me by my group.  That, for me, is a huge step in the right direction.  I’ve never before invested this much time and mental energy on my recovery.

Let’s hope it pays off.

Part of my problem has always been asking for help.

I am too good, so much better than, know too much, much too much and I talk myself right out of any kind of assistance I am offered.  So tonight was a good new development for me.  I actually picked up the phone and called one of the numbers I had been oh-so-studiously getting at NA meetings.

And guess what??  She was nice, and funny, and receptive, and didn’t mock me for my silly issues.  In fact, she shared with me that she had gone through similar things.  Who knew?  I just need to get over my ridiculous fear of others.  Lord knows that when I use, I end up all alone.  Quickly.

So I am giving myself a pat on the back for strapping one on and doing what I am supposed to do.

I feel like I am always at the beginning of the journey, like I never get past the first few moments.

Starting over is excruciating for me.  It means I have to deal with the wreckage of whatever I have been doing, the guilt, the humiliation.  I feel like everyone walks on eggshells, afraid that they will “set me off” again.  People have little whispered conversations behind my back, and cast worried glances in my direction.

This time I am doing things differently.  It has become glaringly apparent that I cannot do this all by my lonesome, and therefore I have to look outside of myself for answers and suggestions.  The best way I know how to do this is with Narcotics Anonymous.  I got clean with NA, stayed clean by going to NA, and relapsed when I neglected NA.

Now all I have to do is get over myself enough to take suggestions and do the emotional and psychological work necessary for recovery.

Dunno if I said last time, but this is supposed to be therapy of a sort for me, so the important thing to do is get in the habit of writing, even when I don’t think I have anything interesting to say.

Last night Badr and I went to Bear’s baseball game.  They ended up losing, but Bear looked good at the plate. His last at-bat he fouled about 5 off before he struck out swinging.  If he ever really connects, it’s gonna fly.

I have to remember that it’s times like those that I miss the most when I duck out of life.  Just watching my son play baseball.  Cooking dinner.  Falling asleep next to someone you love.  I have to remember.

I am trying to see what I have not done in the past so that I can try new things this time.  This is the third time I am attempting to stay clean.  I have made it months at a time, but I always seem to fall back down.  I’m not certain if that way of life is so ingrained in my personality at this point or what, but I am finding it very difficult to keep my mind on the things that I know I should be focusing on.

All the cells in my body seem to have an internal gps that leads me to SW Baltimore, to the seediest, most insane places.  And then the constant screaming shuts up, because I am home.  But I don’t want that to be my home anymore.  I am so tired of the lying, and sketchy people, and feeling sick, and being afraid of the cops, and running, just running, from everything.

So I am trying again.  Hopefully this will be the last time for me….