Amikolle

I had a breakdown yesterday, precipitated by an argument my fiance and I had regarding adopting a dog.  He was right about our inability to adopt a dog at the present time, but my complite obstinacy and belligerent attitude prompted me to believe that there was something behind all this.

So I had a weepy, hysterical meltdown.

It became apparent that I was having an overdose of what I can only call “mothering instinct”, and that I was fixated on a dog because I wanted to care for something, someone.  I gave a baby boy up for adoption during my active addiction, and I think the full magnitude of it just hit me yesterday.  Add to that the fact that my son Bear lives with his father because I was a danger to him and myself for a time, and you get what happened yesterday.  I haven’t had enough clarity up until this point to begin to deal with emotions that I have been stuffing for years.  I miss my baby son;  I know logically that he went into a better situation than I could possibly have provided for him at the time, but that makes it hurt no less.  It’s so hard to feel like a failure as a mother.

Badr was so caring and supportive during this whole business.  I think I shocked him with the intensity of my emotions, but he recovered quickly, and just held me, rubbing my hair.  I feel so lucky to have him by my side through this process.  I have rarely been with someone with whom I could really, really bare my soul, and not feel as though I may be judged.  It’s such a blessing.