Amikolle

Part of my problem has always been asking for help.

I am too good, so much better than, know too much, much too much and I talk myself right out of any kind of assistance I am offered.  So tonight was a good new development for me.  I actually picked up the phone and called one of the numbers I had been oh-so-studiously getting at NA meetings.

And guess what??  She was nice, and funny, and receptive, and didn’t mock me for my silly issues.  In fact, she shared with me that she had gone through similar things.  Who knew?  I just need to get over my ridiculous fear of others.  Lord knows that when I use, I end up all alone.  Quickly.

So I am giving myself a pat on the back for strapping one on and doing what I am supposed to do.

I feel like I am always at the beginning of the journey, like I never get past the first few moments.

Starting over is excruciating for me.  It means I have to deal with the wreckage of whatever I have been doing, the guilt, the humiliation.  I feel like everyone walks on eggshells, afraid that they will “set me off” again.  People have little whispered conversations behind my back, and cast worried glances in my direction.

This time I am doing things differently.  It has become glaringly apparent that I cannot do this all by my lonesome, and therefore I have to look outside of myself for answers and suggestions.  The best way I know how to do this is with Narcotics Anonymous.  I got clean with NA, stayed clean by going to NA, and relapsed when I neglected NA.

Now all I have to do is get over myself enough to take suggestions and do the emotional and psychological work necessary for recovery.

Amikolle hates it when I do something on her things, without telling her, but today is a huge exception, since I have something to say.

Sometimes the worst of things happen right in front of our faces.

Last night (sunday night) Amikolle went to bed to take a nap.  She invited me over, but because of this week being so hectic, I was not sleepy.  I went to the computer room to fiddle on my mac and play some Age of Conan on her PC.  I remember going into our bedroom before playing, around 9pm, because I wanted to see if she was sound asleep or if she was awake, to catch a movie on dvd.  I played till 12 midnight, when i fell my sleep knocking my eyelids off.  After turning off the lights in the apartment,  I head to bed to cuddle with my sweetie, only to discover she was not there sleeping as I had let her 3 hrs ago.

Amikolle, had silently walked past the computer room, took my car keys, and sometime before that my check card.  Instinctively I grabbed the phone and called her cellphone, I was greeted by the voicemail…

I didnt notice the credit card was gone till after an hour had passed by.  She had promised me and sworn to me, she would not do this again and if she had the URGE, she would let me know.  Specially last night, when I was less than 10 feet from her.  I was wondering where she had gone to, when I decide to check my wallet, and discovered my checkcard was gone.

I have been calling her since midnight, sometimes the cellphone is apparently turned off, so I know she hears it ring.  Because she knows she is in a lot of trouble and because by that time she is either skyhigh or ashamed of what she did, she doesnt pick up the phone.

I have not slept all night.  I tried sleeping a bit from 3am to 4:30am.  Then around 5am I went to check the bank statement.  She made over 10 withdrawals.  The money allocated for this month’s rent is gone.  This troubles me, because I was holding the payment of my car to cover rent and then make two payments the 2nd week of june.

This time I didn’t call Philly, because last time he was of no help, and he stated clearly that he would stay at an arms length because he has his own family to take care, which include his wife and Bear, Amikolle’s son.  I have not called her parents because those two souls are devasted from her relapse last week, because they thought she was alright finally.  She had been 8 months without using, and according to her mother, the longest time she has been.

I have smoked around half a box of newport 100’s.  I had quit smoking a month ago, but this is so stressful I needed something to chill me.  So between smokes and coffee I have been going through the past 6hrs.

Its 7:43am and  still she doesnt pick up her phone.  Last tuesday when she used, she didn’t call till she had a seizure, and the call came in at around 11:30am.  At this point i am not mad, I am upset because of the money and the troubles that will cause, at this point I am extremely worried.  I don’t want her to get another seizure, or worse get the call that this night was her last night using cocaine.

We are about to celebrate our 4th month together.

I don’t know who will be reading this, if anyone crosses my path, pray for Amikolle to make it home safe.