Amikolle

I got a job!  Finally. 

I will be working at a relatively small (but quickly expanding!) computer hardware and software support provider in Glen Burnie.  They have an actual storefront where people can bring their machines, and that’s where I will be working for at least 3 months (my probation period).  So I’ll pretty much be a network card and HD restore monkey for a bit, but hey, it’s a step in the correct direction.  I’m really excited to start on Monday.

Wish me luck!

I was poking around teh intarweb this afternoon and found this site, all about drug addiction and the chemical effects, the disease model, and current theories about treatment.  I spent about 2 hours reading all the articles, and it left me feeling a little drained and not a little grumpy.

The disease model of addiction is recognized by most major health organizations, but it remains extremely controversial.  The disease model is summarized in wikipedia, AlcoholandDrugTreatment.net, and in a PBS Frontline article.  Personally, I subscribe to the belief that addiction is a disease which can be treated and kept in “remission” as long as certain behaviors are modified and a support network is developed.  One of the defining attributes of addiction is the physical and psychological obsession and compulsion to use.  From personal experience, I know that nothing, nothing, could stop me when I was in the grip of the drugs.  I believe that what is helping me to stay clean is the fact that I have been undergoing psychiatric counseling, and take my prescribed meds, I attend NA meetings daily, and I reach out to other addicts for support.  To me, this sounds very similar to someone with severe diabetes who seeks medical attention, takes required meds, and seeks help from others with diabetes for help with diet and lifestyle modification.

But what do I know.

I had a breakdown yesterday, precipitated by an argument my fiance and I had regarding adopting a dog.  He was right about our inability to adopt a dog at the present time, but my complite obstinacy and belligerent attitude prompted me to believe that there was something behind all this.

So I had a weepy, hysterical meltdown.

It became apparent that I was having an overdose of what I can only call “mothering instinct”, and that I was fixated on a dog because I wanted to care for something, someone.  I gave a baby boy up for adoption during my active addiction, and I think the full magnitude of it just hit me yesterday.  Add to that the fact that my son Bear lives with his father because I was a danger to him and myself for a time, and you get what happened yesterday.  I haven’t had enough clarity up until this point to begin to deal with emotions that I have been stuffing for years.  I miss my baby son;  I know logically that he went into a better situation than I could possibly have provided for him at the time, but that makes it hurt no less.  It’s so hard to feel like a failure as a mother.

Badr was so caring and supportive during this whole business.  I think I shocked him with the intensity of my emotions, but he recovered quickly, and just held me, rubbing my hair.  I feel so lucky to have him by my side through this process.  I have rarely been with someone with whom I could really, really bare my soul, and not feel as though I may be judged.  It’s such a blessing.